What the papers say.

 Living in Spain. It’s like living in the West Country, but slower...

As I herald from the part of England where everybody speaks in ooh-aar accents and not very much 'appens, I am somewhat surprised to find that living where I lives in Spain makes Devon look racey. Down in these parts of Spain (Vall d’Albaida), weather wise things are hot, hot, hot and getting’ 'otter and I loves it. It’s the perfect weather for not workin’ and doing lots of drinkin’. One of the best things to do is lie on a lilo, float aimlessly round a pool sipping a large Asturian cider with a straw firmly ensconced in gob. You can’t drink cider in such style back ‘ome. But, alas 'cos it’s me job like, I sometimes ‘as to do a bit of reporting on the English newspapers and what’s 'appenin’ back 'ome. Which is a bit 'ard 'cos where I lives there are no English shops, no English bars and if you are lucky to get a newspaper, its usually reporting on the Queen’s Coronation. Which makes my job bloomin’ difficult and I 'ope you ingrates realise this. It’s no fun getting’ out of the pool worse for wear due to cider fuelled intoxication and over exposure to UVI rays gleaning for bits of news, which lets face it is well past its sell-by. To remedy this ‘ere problem I ‘as two choices; one , to travel down to the local seaside where they sell lots of English  newspapers or try one of them new fangled internet thingies where you can download the news on- line. Clever, eh? Except my local Locaturio only opens about two days a year and you can never guess which two. So, what do I do? I 'as to wing it, that’s’ wot, so ‘ere goes, the English news as to what I have gleaned from other sources (with some improvisation.)

Tony Blair

He’s still the prime minister. Or he could even be now King of Britain or dictator of all the land. Rumour ‘as it that he’s still aright b****** and people under his rule have to pay a lot of money just to live and get treated like s***. And no one can get rid of him.

Sven Goran Eriksson

He’s no longer manager of England, and I knows this ‘cos I ‘as a telly and I also knows that he was crap at managing the England team. I saw their performance at the World Cup and I can without reservation confirm how crap they were.

Crime and punishment

No, the BBC is not making a TV adaptation of the famous Dostoyevsky novel. No in an attempt to provide a real social commentary on Tony’s State of England, I know that UK crime is bad. It is perpetuated by many and suffered by many. Punishment is still very much in the “concept” stage in Britain. Apparently there is a clause in the constitution that real crime is unpunished but that many “non-crimes” are. For example, Tony’s friend George Bush ‘as told ‘him to punish people for being a bit "Moslem-looking.”

Bank charges

They are still very high apparently. I left England in December £10 overdrawn and how now accrued a massive £15, 400 debt due to bank charges.

Fat people

I’ve been told by a reliable source (Jeremy Kyle) that people in the UK are getting fatter and as a result Tony, Lord of Albion in a bid to combat the national disease of obesity is putting a tax on surplus pounds above the recommended BMI (Body Mass Index.) He will employ new "Government Health Promoters" or Fat Inspectors to visit every home in the land to assess the levels of surplus fat per household and charge a tax accordingly. The inspectors will get a free uniform and will be paid £9, 500 a year in a bid to stop people from clogging up hospitals. Tony states that he will reinvest the money collected in gyms for schools.

Fast food outlets

King Tony is to launch a new initiative to make it possible that every high street in Britain should have at least 10 fast food chains, in the interests of freedom of choice. He states categorically that there is no proven link between the consumption of fast food and obesity.

McDonalds

A spokesman for McDonalds states that as part of Lord Protector Tony’s new anti- obesity initiative they will start opening “in- restaurant gyms”. There are to be 16 flagship restaurants with state of the art gyms in the South East area, 10 in the Midlands, 14 in the northern region and one in the West Country. Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland might have to share one between them. The scheme works that for every 10 Big Mac meals bought you are entitled to one free session in the new gyms.

Premature heart attacks

There has since been the implementation of the new McDonalds gyms that deaths from heart attacks in the 20-45 age bracket have risen dramatically by 65%. British nutrition expert, dr. Susanna McCarb, linked this to the overeating of foods heavy in saturated fats followed by excessive strenuous exercise in the new McDonald’s “Stuff ‘n’ Huff  `n´ Puff"restaurant/ gyms. She has since been found shot. In mysterious circumstances.

See.  Who needs the bloody internet or to actually read a newspaper.

Rachael Loxston