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Written by rachael loxston
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CHERIE HAS A BAD BLAIR DAY.
The Queen has just turned 80 (funny, I thought she was always that old), Mike Baldwin is still dead and Cherie Blair has had her hair done. Well, strictly speaking she had her hair “done” during last years election campaign, and no doubt Tony’s selfless spouse has had it coiffed, pruned, teased and titivated many, many times since then, but what is causing a bit of an old hoo-hah in the English press is that it has recently come to light that the final bill came to £7,700. Who said that New Labour wastes money? At a cost that exceeds the average old age pension for a married couple Cherie hired top celebrity crimper Andre Suard (he couldn’t have a name like Archie Spragg or Bert Plunkett, could he?) for one month at the cost of £275 a day and charged it to the Labour Party in a move that will 1.truly distance herself from her hubby’s financial wrongdoings and 2.not in any way, shape or form will fuel rumours that new Labour has to “borrow” secret loans to pay for Cherie to have a comb dragged through her barnet and 3.will not at all antagonize the British electorate and members of their own party. Labour MP Peter Kilfoyle said that Cherie’s, I mean New Labours bill, was twice the amount that he spent on his election bid in his constituency of Walton, Liverpool. Naturally, a spokeswoman for New Labour defended the bill with typical arrogance. “So what?” she sneered. She continued to justify the bill because Mrs. Blair worked so “fantastically” hard during the campaign. Mmmm, I wonder why the selfless one worked so hard. Answers on a postcard please. More of “I would love to be a socialist but I really can’t afford it” in the next issue.
It can’t have escaped your notice that the English papers (if you read them) have been full of her Maj the Queen, who has just turned 80 again. (Learn a lesson, Mrs. Blair, the Queen has had the SAME hairstyle all her life and it hasn’t done her any harm, has it?) The newspapers have all without exception chronicled her highs and lows and looked back on a selection of her annus horibilises or whatever the Latin plural is. These include the Charles and Diana years and the year she met the cast of Eastenders. Her annus unhoribilises include the year one of her horses romped home first at the Epsom derby and of course the year she met me in Bath while on her Golden Jubilee tour. Gawd bless her- let her eightieth year be her annus fantasticus by England winning the World Cup.
I suppose you’ve all heard about the latest story from the Government anti-aggro programmes for English fans traveling to watch the World Cup. It’s been four long years since English football fans have made the pilgrimage to some foreign land to selflessly support their national team, moderately sample the local alcoholic beverages and join in with their host country in general light-hearted banter singing friendly songs… Hang on a minute; I’ve got that wrong haven’t I? But not any more! In the latest “Don’t Mention the War” directive, that is exactly what English fans are being urged to do in Germany. Yes, Germany is this year’s “mein host” and despite being long time adversaries of the British because of a war that happened a very long time ago, naughty words such as “Fritz” or “Kraut” or “Seig heil” mustn’t be used. Which is fair enough. Lets move on and all that. The fact that 3000 proven football yobs have been banned from going is also welcome news. So although I’m not in the Stan Boardman school of thought, I do think that the fans being asked to sing their football chants in German is going a bit too far. The Sun, has quite rightly made light of this and provided readers with a translation of “Three Lions” or “Drei Lowen” to take with them to sing in the terraces., but this is nothing compared with the Foreign Offices serious booklet providing translations for other favourite football ditties. Such as “Ten German Bombers”, I wonder. And friendly phrases such as “Can I have a ticket to visit the exhibition on your fine German culture?” and “Please I insist, you have my sunbed.” No doubt. The FO have not, however, submitted “Can I have another beer please?” in case this is seen as encouraging drunken behaviour. The book if anyone is interested is called “Avoiding Penalties” and is available from the Foreign Office. Just one thing, you know that Dambusters tune, the one that goes “Da da da da da? Or the tune from the Great Escape, that goes da-da da da da da-da? Can these actually be translated into German?
Rachael Loxston
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Miscellaneous 
